it's time...

but why haven't i done anything about it... i am talking about eating healthy and exercising. i thought it would be easy. i thought i would look at my "oh so gross" body and get moving. but that just isn't the case... why not? i look in the mirror. i see pictures. i look at my reflection in shopping store windows. i am the biggest i have ever been in my WHOLE life. and yet, i have done NOTHING to change it.

instead, i eat oreos. instead i eat chips... instead i eat junk. in my head i am thinking i can eat more calories since i am bigger. i know that's not true. i am just going to get heavier!

on sunday, i went to a BEAUTIFUL wedding shower. the attire was black and white. my bedroom floor was covered in black and white clothes. i was heart broken when i had the perfect dress to wear but realized i was no longer a size 8 and couldn't fit in it. i couldn't even get it over my head. seriously. i ended up wearing black maternity pants and shirt.

landon's baptism is on sunday. mom says "wear that cute black maternity dress you wore for Jacob and Charlie's baptism"... GREAT idea mom! but then i realized... that dress is a tighter dress because tight dresses look cute on a baby bump. but a tight dress is definitely not flattering on a pouch.

(Cousins Charlie and Jacob with Landon!)

so what am i going to do about all this... i know! i should plan healthy lunches and dinners. i know! i should exercise when landon is napping. I know! i should go grocery shopping for lots of fruits and veggies. I know exactly how to lose weight... i just don't know when i will be feeling ready to start.

perfect card.

on the morning of my two year anniversary, i woke up to flowers and an envelope on our kitchen table.  i slowly opened up the envelope. tim couldn't have picked a more perfect anniversary card. 

one of my biggest fears when i was pregnant was losing my closeness to tim. i knew when a baby enters your life that some things/people can take the back burner. because of all the things going on with landon, i was worried it would cause us to drift apart but instead it has drawn us closer together. 

speaking of landon... do you think i would end a blog post without an updated picture! here he is! :)

he was too young to schedule an ultrasound of his neck to check out the bump... his physical therapist and pediatrician think it is the muscle... or should i say was the muscle because we can barely find it anymore since it has shrunk and just about gone away...so we wait until August 9th to meet with the Ears, Nose, and Throat doctor. keep those prayers coming... thank you so much! :)

2 years.

two years ago i married my best friend. it was the BEST day of my life.

what do you do?

what do you do when you realize one reason why you are not motivated to exercise is because you no longer fit in your work out clothes?

press our luck.

tim and i had a wonderful weekend away celebrating our two year anniversary. technically our anniversary is on tuesday but tim has softball playoffs... and i have grad class... so we probably won't even see much of each other on our day!

we went out for drinks... had a fantastic dinner... and wrapped up the night with some gambling. we hoped we would hit it big but we walked out with nothing. and i mean nothing.

i just love a slot machine. i love taking my whole twenty dollars and positioning myself on the seat in front of a machine. not sure why i enjoy sitting at those machines pushing a button... but it is soothing in a way... just watching the "sevens" and "bars" spin in front of you. and there is something about the chance of hitting that jackpot. you could walk out of there with thousands of dollars. you could... even though i didn't.

it was a fun date night. tim and i have only been to a casino twice since we have started dating six years ago... it was like we were two kids in an arcade! only we didn't end up with a cup full of tickets and tokens... i wish casinos gave you a consolation prize.... then maybe i would go back and give them my twenty bucks more often.

hoping to start "the shred"tomorrow. going to try to get this body back to the way it was... all those hollywood girls can do it... why wouldn't i be able to?? ;) :)

and of course i can't end a post without a picture of my little guy...

oh yea!

oh yea! i have been so overwhelmed and consumed by my new little family that i have completely forgotten about "me".

i get it now... once you have a baby, he gets put first. although i have been trying really hard to put tim up there with him... so in the mean time, putting "me" on the back burner...

i had my postpartum appointment on thursday... and everything healed just fine...and on an even better note, i have lost 33 pounds since delivering landon! i got the "okay" to start working out, so on Monday i will be starting jillian michaels 30 day shred! i most definitely will be posting before and after shots just like last year. (Click here to check out last years results)

the reason i start working out on monday and not today is because tim and i are celebrating our 2 year anniversary this weekend!

we will be baby-free for the first time over night. tim and i are super excited to just spend time together although i know we will miss our little guy like CRAZY! movies, dinner and a casino are in our plans this evening!

and i am going to leave you with some updates on landon at six weeks!

-He is starting to smile and grin at us and at his little gym.
-Those little legs and arms are moving a mile a minute!
-He is holding onto his bottle while he is drinking it!
-He is getting SUPER nosey... always wanting to look around and see things!
-He is a great sleeper through the night--- sleeps about 12-14 hours with only two bottles in between!
-He is a cat napper- nothing much gets done during the day since he naps between 30-60 minutes, three times a day!
-He loves his activity gym!
-He loves a car ride!
-He loves his Gemme! (grandmom)
-He loves going for a stroller ride!

Happy Saturday!!

Smiles and Grins

At six weeks, Landon is starting to give us LOTS of smiles.

 and ADORABLE grins. 

a phone call.

today, around 3:30, i received a phone call from the audiologist. she was able to get landon to the best Ear, Nose and Throat doctor at CHOP... his appointment isn't until August 9th... but until then we have many other doctor appointments... because... the audiologist was concerned with the bump on landon's neck. the bump i pointed out to the pediatrician two weeks ago. the bump i thought was the calloused bone from his fractured clavicle. the bump the Physical Therapist said was a torn muscle and not the clavicle.

so what is this bump? not sure. we head to his pediatrician tomorrow and hope to get an ultrasound done as soon as possible on it. if this "bump" turns in to something we will be heading to the Ear, Nose and Throat sooner than August 9th... trying not to think the worst and praying the physical therapist was correct with a torn neck muscle.

thank you for all your prayers and love... tim, landon and i are so thankful to have such supportive friends and family like you!

Unanswered Questions.

after the audiologist gave us the results of landon's hearing test... they sent us home. we were told our baby can't hear and that was the end of the discussion. it was devastating. it was shocking.

we were told landon passed his right ear and failed his left ear at the hospital when he was born. in no way was i expecting to hear that his right ear was worse than his left. my heart dropped and tears poured out at the news.

i have so many unanswered questions. and the main ones being "why me?" "why tim?" and most importantly "why landon?

of course being in the special education field, my brain is going a mile a minute. WHAT is causing this hearing loss? could this hearing loss be linked to something else? is the torticollis involved? did this occur because of him entering the world not breathing? could it have occurred from the bruise he got on his head when he was coming down the birth canal? is this a genetic birth defect? could he be brain damaged?

will my baby laugh?  will he ever say "mom"?

i want to know the answer to these questions NOW. not tomorrow. not a week from now. NOW. but i wait. and observe landon and his behavior. wondering if he is on track for a typical 6 week old.

before i got pregnant, my biggest fear was having a child with special needs. i have been teaching students from mild to severe needs over the past ten years. i have seen what parents have gone through. they are so strong. and i have seen parents fight for their children. as a teacher, i have fought for these students too.

i am sad. the past six weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life. and i was expecting them to be the best weeks of my life.  God had other plans for me. He is challenging me more than i have ever been challenged before. I am trusting that He takes care of my landon. heals him. i also am trusting that he heals me. my heart hurts and is simply broken. and i know i need to be strong and positive during this time... for landon.

can you hear me now?

the past year has not been an easy one. and tim and i have hit yet another obstacle. the reason i blog about it is because it is easier to get the information to family and friends... and because it makes me feel better. :)

landon failed his hearing test at the hospital when he was born in his left ear. we had a follow up appointment at CHOP today. landon was hooked up to all kinds of machines and was giving a variety of hearing tests for almost three hours! and the results were every parent's fear.

he can't hear.  our little landon has severe hearing loss in his right ear. and partial hearing loss in his left. the audiologist said both ears were abnormal. and our next step is an ear, nose and throat doctor. looks like hearing aids may be in our future too.

i am angry. i am jealous. i am sad. tim and i both cried for a couple hours tonight. and then we both stopped. we realized we need to step it up. this little guy needs two strong parents to guide him and help him be all he can be. we don't have time to feel sorry for ourselves. God gave us landon for a reason. he knew we could handle him and LOVE him.

dear landon, we promise to do everything in our power to make you better. i know we have a long road ahead of us. hearing loss may just be the first stretch of our journey. but just know that through this whole trip we will ALWAYS love you.

Torticollis.

landon and i have been meeting lots of new people! we headed to CHOP on monday morning to look at his fracture clavicle. it turns out that it is all healed and in time the calloused bump will flatten itself and he will be fine. 

while we were there, though, the doctor pointed out that our little guy has torticollis. since he has been favoring the one side of his neck since birth, he no longer turns his head to the other side because of tight muscles. we were immediately sent to physical therapy. landon will be getting PT three times a week! 

the physical therapist noticed that along with the fractured clavicle, he also tore a neck muscle on the left side from delivery but it has also healed. 

i have been the RIDICULOUS mom who is doing EVERYTHING the PT says to do. if my little guy awake, he is on his tummy. i even supervise his naps on his tummy. tummy time is one of the best things he can do for two reasons. one, it helps make his little neck stronger. and two, it helps even out his head. his head is misshaped and flat on one side because of only laying on the right side of it for the past four weeks. 

the PT says that since we caught it so early, that we should be seeing progress quickly with all the position changes and therapy done at PT and home. this morning i did some exercises with him i was taught at PT and his little head turned to the left! i teared up a little but i know we still have a long way to go. 

we have a follow up appointment at CHOP in six weeks.

on a personal note, i am still down 30 pounds as of this morning! no weight gain here even through all this stress! 

1 Month Old!

happy 1 month birthday landon!! 

even with all the bumps and curves in the road... this journey with landon has gone so fast. 

down 30.

hit a big milestone this morning... i'm down 30 pounds since the day i delivered landon. i still have a ways to go but i am really happy with what i have lost so far!

i haven't done much to lose the weight and i am sure as i get closer to my pre-pregnancy weight, the weight loss will slow down but i have been cheering for every pound i lose. in fact, it took two weeks to lose just one pound! 

one of the biggest changes to help with weight loss since landon has been born is "going out to eat." Since he has been born, we haven't gone out to eat dinner at all. we use to go out at least three times a week.  another factor in losing weight is doing the old baby rock. rocking landon has helped with the love handles and waist!

i have two more weeks until my postpartum check up. i am looking forward to getting the "all clear" so i can start running and do Jillian Michael's The Thirty Day Shred. i need to start getting this stomach back to its original size! 

Happy Saturday! 

when things get tough.

i hate being a negative nancy. i always try to see the positive in everything even when things get tough. when i blog, i try to make light of how serious things can really be.  i have always tried to look on the bright side...my whole life.

i was telling tim today that i have been to the doctors more in the past ten months than i have been in the past 30 years. you may not know this but i have cried over all the blog entries dealing with my spleen. or liver. or hemorrhoids. or screaming landon. i mean seriously cried.  i blog because it makes me feel better. so i can look back at this and think "see theresa, you made it through all that!" i try to make blog posts funny or light hearted. who wants to read a depressing blog? but i realized that even though i try to make my posts sound not too serious... sometimes they really are. 

delivering landon was extremely difficult for BOTH of us. i am still recovering four weeks later... and so is landon. in the hospital, i was told by the nurses that he is only turning his head one way and to keep an eye on it. i did to the point that i have been obsessed with his neck and head. i have been having him turn to a bottle, feeding him on the opposite side, and burping him on the opposite shoulder.  the other day we were playing on his blanket and i noticed a bump on the left side of his neck. i mentioned it to his pediatrician and he right away figured it out. he thought it may be his clavicle (collar bone). we were sent for x-rays immediately after the appointment. i cried the whole way there. and it was confirmed... that is exactly what it was. 

as tears stream down my face, i write this blog post. my poor little guy has a fractured clavicle caused by our rough delivery. the fracture has healed itself over the past four weeks and has callused. but we still have to travel to CHOP to make sure everything is okay and start getting him to turn his little head. 

(the little arrow is pointing to the fracture)

i have been trying to push the sadness, anger, and guilt aside. i need to think positive. he will get better.  i now understand what being a mom is about...i wish i had the fractured collar bone and not him...

baby expert.

tim was always a little apprehensive about having babies. in the six years of being with him, i have seen him hold two infants. he LOVES sleep and lounging around so his biggest fear was a baby that was up all night screaming. speaking of screaming... he really doesn't like screaming babies. if we were at a restaurant and we heard a baby cry, he would cringe.

and now ever since june 6th... he has become the BABY EXPERT. he was a natural at holding landon the second he was born. changing diapers came as second nature. and he is a champ at keeping landon awake and feeding him a bottle. and if at any time he is questioning ANYTHING with the baby, he pulls out the iphone and GOOGLES!

we hit a little bit of a rough patch with landon last week that even google couldn't really help us with... in fact, google stressed us out because it told us that our baby was colic and would scream and cry up to FOUR MONTHS and there was nothing much we could do for him. this made no sense to me, why should a baby be screaming and sad for that long!

for some reason, nursing landon failed miserably. he did a fantastic job but i think with all the recovery drama i went through, i just wasn't producing enough milk for the little guy. so after i stressed about starving him and LOTS of tears, we decided to try some formula. for a week and a half, landon would drink his bottle, scream for two hours, and then finally exhaust himself and fall asleep only to start the cycle again. talk about stress and tears. google said i had a colic baby.

(holding landon like this helped calm him for about seven seconds...oh. and notice the daylight behind me... 8 o'clock at night and in pajamas.)

thanks to a smart mom, who said i was allergic to milk as an infant, came to the conclusion that we should switch to soy formula. and now for almost a whole week, i have had a happy baby who only cries when he is hungry and needs some snuggles! one happy baby equals a happy mom and dad.