Unanswered Questions.

after the audiologist gave us the results of landon's hearing test... they sent us home. we were told our baby can't hear and that was the end of the discussion. it was devastating. it was shocking.

we were told landon passed his right ear and failed his left ear at the hospital when he was born. in no way was i expecting to hear that his right ear was worse than his left. my heart dropped and tears poured out at the news.

i have so many unanswered questions. and the main ones being "why me?" "why tim?" and most importantly "why landon?

of course being in the special education field, my brain is going a mile a minute. WHAT is causing this hearing loss? could this hearing loss be linked to something else? is the torticollis involved? did this occur because of him entering the world not breathing? could it have occurred from the bruise he got on his head when he was coming down the birth canal? is this a genetic birth defect? could he be brain damaged?

will my baby laugh?  will he ever say "mom"?

i want to know the answer to these questions NOW. not tomorrow. not a week from now. NOW. but i wait. and observe landon and his behavior. wondering if he is on track for a typical 6 week old.

before i got pregnant, my biggest fear was having a child with special needs. i have been teaching students from mild to severe needs over the past ten years. i have seen what parents have gone through. they are so strong. and i have seen parents fight for their children. as a teacher, i have fought for these students too.

i am sad. the past six weeks have been the hardest weeks of my life. and i was expecting them to be the best weeks of my life.  God had other plans for me. He is challenging me more than i have ever been challenged before. I am trusting that He takes care of my landon. heals him. i also am trusting that he heals me. my heart hurts and is simply broken. and i know i need to be strong and positive during this time... for landon.